The Best Way to Win an Argument Is to Have It With Yourself First

Most of us have been in an argument we regret. You walk away replaying it, thinking of all the things you should have said. Or maybe you said too much. The real problem often is not what was said but that you entered the conversation unprepared. Not unprepared with facts and figures but unprepared in your own mind.

Why We Argue Poorly

Many arguments are lost before they even begin. This is because we often do not actually know what we are arguing about. We think we do. We feel a strong sense of injustice or frustration. But the feeling itself is not the point. The feeling is a signal pointing to a problem.

When we walk into a discussion with only a raw feeling, we force the other person to deal with our emotion instead of the issue. They become defensive. They might feel attacked. The conversation immediately shifts from solving a problem to managing a conflict. The chance for a productive outcome disappears.

We do this because we have not done the work of translation. The work of turning a messy cloud of feelings into a clear simple point. We expect the other person to do that work for us, which is rarely a successful strategy.

The Pre-Conversation Rehearsal

The solution is to have the argument with yourself first. I do not mean you should practice a script. A script makes you sound rigid and makes the conversation feel artificial. I mean you should have the messy emotional and irrational version of the conversation in private.

This is where speaking your thoughts aloud is so effective. When you say the words, you are forced to give them structure. You cannot just feel a vague sense of being annoyed. You have to explain to yourself why you are annoyed. You can explore this idea of untangling thoughts further in a previous post about how to untangle your overwhelming thoughts.

You might start by just venting. That is fine. The goal of this first pass is to get the raw emotion out. To hear how it sounds when it is not trapped inside your head. As you speak, something interesting happens. You start to edit yourself.

Finding Your Actual Point

As you talk, you will hear the weakness in your own reasoning. You will say something that sounds unfair or exaggerated. You will realize that part of your argument is not about the other person at all but about your own stress or a past experience.

This process is like filtering muddy water. The first pour is full of dirt and noise. But as you keep talking, you begin to isolate the actual problem. You might find that a ten minute rant about your partner never doing the dishes is really about a two sentence problem. A feeling of being unappreciated or a need for more predictability in your shared space.

Once you find those two sentences, you have your real point. That is what you can bring to the actual conversation. You can walk in and say “I feel unappreciated when the kitchen is messy” instead of “You never do anything around here”. The first is an opening for a discussion. The second is an attack.

Lowering the Emotional Stakes

Having the argument with yourself first also has a powerful emotional effect. It drains the initial intensity from the situation. The anger or anxiety you feel is a form of energy. By speaking it aloud in private, you release that energy.

You are no longer a pressure cooker about to explode. You are someone who has thought through an issue and wants to find a solution. You can enter the conversation with curiosity instead of accusation. You are more open to hearing the other person's side because you have already fully explored your own.

This changes the entire dynamic. The stakes feel lower. It stops being a battle to be won and becomes a problem to be solved together. Your body language is different. Your tone of voice is different. The other person will notice this even if they do not know why.

An Example in Practice

Imagine you are frustrated with a colleague who keeps missing deadlines, affecting your work.

Your initial internal monologue might be a chaotic storm of anger. “He is so lazy. He does not respect me. I have to do everything myself. I am going to tell our boss he is incompetent.”

If you walk into a conversation with that energy, it will likely end poorly.

Instead, you talk it out first. You speak your frustrations aloud. “I am so angry with Mark. His report was late again. It makes me look bad. I feel like he does not care.” As you continue, you might notice the core issue. “The real problem is that I cannot plan my own week when I do not know when his work will arrive. I need predictability.”

Now you have a specific non-accusatory problem to discuss. You can approach Mark and say “To help me plan my work, would it be possible to get a heads up if the report is going to be late?” This is a solvable problem not a personal attack.

This process turns opponents into collaborators. It reframes conflict as a shared logistical puzzle. You do not win the argument. You bypass it entirely.

The most important conversations are the ones we have before we speak to anyone else. By clarifying your own thoughts first, you prepare the ground for understanding not conflict.

Now try having that difficult conversation with yourself first using the prompt below.