How to Understand Someone by Arguing Their Side to Yourself

We have all been in a disagreement where the other person seems completely irrational. Their points make no sense. Their logic is full of holes. And our natural response is to point out those flaws one by one. We think if we can just show them how they are wrong they will eventually see the light.

This rarely works. When you attack someone's position they don't usually thank you for the feedback. They dig in. They defend themselves. The conversation becomes about winning and losing not about finding the truth. You are not trying to understand them. You are trying to defeat them. And they know it.

The underlying problem is that we listen with the intent to reply. We are not listening to comprehend. We are scanning for weaknesses in their argument. We are waiting for them to pause so we can insert our own rebuttal. This is a poor method for resolving conflict. It is a good method for creating distance between people.

There is a different way. It requires you to do something that feels strange at first. You must argue the other person's side. Not just in your head. You have to do it out loud, to yourself, with as much sincerity as you can muster.

The Steel Man Technique

There is a concept in debate called a straw man. It means you misrepresent your opponent's argument to make it easier to attack. You build a flimsy version of their position a straw man and then knock it down. It is intellectually dishonest and it convinces no one who matters.

The opposite of this is the steel man. A steel man argument is when you articulate your opponent's position even better than they did. You build the strongest possible version of their argument. You find its most powerful and persuasive points. And you present it with integrity.

Doing this in your head is not enough. Your mind is too good at cheating. It will let you get away with a weak or sarcastic version. You have to speak the words. This is where an audio journal becomes a powerful tool. You are not performing for anyone. You are simply using your voice to force your brain to engage with ideas it wants to reject.

When you commit to speaking their argument aloud you cannot just gloss over the parts you disagree with. You have to find the words. You have to try to feel the emotions behind their position. Why do they believe this? What fear or hope is driving them? You must try to convince yourself.

What Happens When You Speak Their Words

The first thing that happens is you discover how poorly you understood their position. You will start to make their case and realize you are missing key pieces of information. You will find yourself saying