When You Keep Choosing the Wrong People

It is a frustrating experience. You meet someone new. There is a spark. Things feel different this time. But eventually, the story ends up in the same familiar, painful place. It can feel like you are cursed with bad luck.

But patterns are rarely about luck. A repeating pattern is a signal. It is a piece of data telling you something important about the system you are running. If you keep ending up with the same outcome, it is worth looking at the process that gets you there. The problem may not be who you are choosing, but why.

The Allure of the Familiar

We think we seek happiness, but often we just seek what is familiar. The human brain is a prediction machine. It likes to know what is coming next. This is why we are drawn to dynamics that we already understand, even if they are painful.

If you grew up feeling you had to earn love, you might be drawn to people who make you work for their affection. If you were around chaos, a calm and stable person might feel boring. You are not consciously seeking pain. You are subconsciously seeking a role you already know how to play.

The hope is that this time, you can change the ending. You can replay the old story and finally win. But the other person is not an actor you hired. They have their own script. And so the play usually ends the same way.

Optimizing for the Wrong Metric

When we look for a partner, we are optimizing for something. We have a set of criteria. Maybe it is intelligence, ambition, looks, or a great sense of humor. These are all good things.

But they might be the wrong things to put at the top of the list. You can be attracted to someone's brilliant mind but find you cannot depend on them at all. You can love someone's adventurous spirit but discover you have fundamentally different values about what a life together looks like.

You might be choosing people who look great on paper, or who fulfill a certain image. You are optimizing for the headline, not the substance of the day to day relationship. What if you started optimizing for different metrics? Metrics like kindness, consistency, and how you feel after you spend time with them. These are often quieter qualities. They do not create a loud initial spark. They build a slow, warm fire.

You Are the Common Denominator

In every failed relationship you have had, you were there. This is not about blame. It is about acknowledging your own power in the situation.

It is easy to focus on what the other person did wrong. They were emotionally unavailable. They were selfish. They were not ready for a commitment. This may all be true. But why were you attracted to that unavailability? What in you tolerated their behavior for so long?

You are part of the system. Your beliefs, your boundaries, and the signals you send out all influence who you attract and who stays. If you consistently ignore red flags because you are focused on the potential you see, that is a choice you are making. The most powerful shift happens when you turn your focus from analyzing them to understanding yourself.

Your Feelings Are Data

We often talk ourselves out of our own feelings. We think we are being too sensitive or demanding. We rationalize the other person's behavior because we want things to work out.

But your feelings are data. They are the output of a very complex calculation happening in your brain. If you consistently feel anxious, insecure, or drained around someone, that is valuable information. It is telling you that the system is not working correctly.

Do not ignore this data. Capture it. Speaking your feelings out loud, without judgment, can be a powerful way to see them clearly. When you hear yourself say, "I felt small when they said that," it becomes much harder to dismiss. You are logging the data points. Over time, a clear picture will emerge.

Breaking a pattern like this is not about finding the perfect person. It is about becoming a person who can clearly see what is good for them and what is not. It is about understanding your own programming so you can rewrite the parts that no longer serve you. This begins with honest observation. It begins by looking at the choices you have made, not with judgment, but with curiosity.

Try speaking your thoughts on the prompt below to see what you discover.